these are great!!!
Joke # 1: Picking Personal Hell

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in
Charge).

Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own
personal hell.
Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?

Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the
situation and
then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.
Man: OK.

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their
heads on a hardwood floor.
Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete
floors.
Man: That looks worse, got anything left.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee
deep in shit drinking coffee.
Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day.
I'll take this one.
Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?
Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the
door closes,
a whistle blows and a loud speaker says - "Alright, coffee break is over, back
on your heads!"





Joke # 2: A Fishy Story

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"

The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."
The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish."
The sister said, "Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the
Gauddam Fish I caught."
Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."

The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."
So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said,
"Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught."

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like
that!"

Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."
Monsignor said,
"Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow,
what a nice fish."
In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish."
And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish."
And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...
"I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"

blondie jokes!!!...lol
Q. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?
A. Cause you have to hollow out it's head!

One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.

A. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
Q. They think their picture is being taken.

Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A. You hear about them all the time, but you never see one.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
A. "Thanks for the refill!"

Q. Why do blondes have more fun?
A. They are easier to keep amused.

Three blondes were walking through a forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think these are bird tracks."
The second blonde looked at them and said, "No, these are deer tracks."
The third blonde looked down, and BOOM!!! she gets run over by a train.